Know What You Want!
Once you’ve dated enough people, you probably have an idea of what you don’t want in a significant other. Here you’re looking for 5 nonnegotiable qualities your potential partner must have. Even if one trait is missing on your list, it’s a deal breaker. When coming up with your list, try to find the deeper characteristics that would satisfy your needs and qualities that would deepen your admiration and love for this person. It’s easy to state superficial qualities such as looks, a sense of humor or having a good job. These may be valid but think long-term -- once the honeymoon stage is over, what do you really need in a relationship to make you feel seen, secure, connected and valued? The following are just a few examples.
- Reliable/dependable--says what he/she means and does what he/she says --Trustworthy/honest
- Listens well/present
- Compassionate/understanding--not critical, judgmental or blameful --Kind/caring/courteous/respectful/thoughtful
- Knows how to set limits with self and others
- Flexible/open minded
- Courageous--takes on difficult issues in life
- Able to deal with life issues without falling into self-pity or turning destructive
- Sees life’s difficulties as growth opportunities
- Takes responsibility/accountable for actions
- Deals with conflicts in a healthy way--cares more about the relationship than being right during disagreements
- Has a healthy relationship with parents
- Has a solid sense of self--not needy/no major addictions
- Confident--stands up for self/able to speak his/her thoughts or opinions --Emotionally available--doesn’t repress emotions/aware of feelings and needs --Passionate/passionate about a cause
Some of your Top 5 may be found quickly in the person you’re dating while others may take some time. Be aware that if you choose to continue dating after seeing the person is lacking in your desired qualities, those missing traits will eventually become an issue. Denial is a dangerous behavior and leads people to settle. Remember, you’re looking for a person of character and not someone to fill space.
Copyright © Sho Aoyagi 2013
These articles are meant to be informative and not to be taken as advice. Every person’s situation is different and the articles may not pertain to your speciﬁc situation.
Also, before dealing with any issue with another person or before attempting to look at your own issues, it’s important to consult with an appropriate professional for guidance.